A true story:
Number 59,
Dirty Rats!
I'm so relieved to have discovered that,
We do not seem to have a lodger rat!
But lest we get complacent knowing this,
Of other things we have I’ve made a list:
Mice are, I think, inevitable guests,
And generally sweeter than the rest,
Except perhaps for something making news;
Today we found we have a tribe of shrews!
I’d no idea that shrews came in the house,
And shrew is not to be confused with mouse.
I think they’ve moved indoors because the rain,
That’s been a feature of summer again,
Has made their homes out in the garden wet,
And our warm attic is a better bet!
Three visited our kitchen here today,
And two were caught, (humanely by the way);
Or maybe it was one who came straight back,
After I had freed it down our track.
The third one gave us quite a nasty shock;
We saw it only just before it dropped,
From overhead the kitchen surface top,
With a surprisingly athletic hop!
It almost fell into a pot of soup,
And gracefully it did the loop the loop!
But mice and shrews are not the only ones;
Of things like ants and wasps there’s simply tons!
Today I found a slow worm, just beside
The plant pots where the shrews I thought would hide.
There’s millipedes and woodlice by the score,
And rabbits in the garden even more!
We’ve birds that nest in places in the eaves,
And toads that make their homes beneath the leaves,
That build up day by day, and block the drains,
And flow into the garden when it rains.
Spiders are another thing we have;
For reasons I don’t know they love the lav!
They do not seem to follow any path,
But always end up falling in the bath.
We live OK with all of these each day,
And somehow they do not get in our way.
But there is one that definitely does;
Something that makes a terrifying buzz!
It’s rather like a helicopter crew,
In the room and coming after you!
The hornet is the creature that I mean,
In daytime pretty easily it’s seen;
It flies in lazy circles overhead,
But in the night it walks about instead.
What you should do is get the hoover out,
And get them all sucked up into the spout.
That way the chances are that you will get,
A decent night of sleeping sound, and yet
If you have missed one anywhere at all,
You might not notice when one of them falls
Into your bed, and wanders up and down,
And takes a snooze inside your dressing gown!
But in the morning you will scream and yell,
The pain is worse than anyone can tell;
Like ten bee stings at once, I do not lie;
It happened to me last year in July!
We blocked the windows and around the door,
We taped the gaps where skirting meets the floor,
But still the hornets found their way inside
The bedroom and the bathroom to the side.
It wasn’t till the winter that we found,
(When we called a plumber to come round);
“The nest the hornets cleverly have made,
Is right inside the hot tank I’m afraid!”
“They’ve made their way in through the over-flow,
So deep inside the tank you’d never know!”
Only when they accidentally fell,
And went and drowned their rotten selves as well,
Did they reveal their secret hiding spot;
By turning up inside the tap marked hot!
© Stephen Saunders
I'm so relieved to have discovered that,
We do not seem to have a lodger rat!
But lest we get complacent knowing this,
Of other things we have I’ve made a list:
Mice are, I think, inevitable guests,
And generally sweeter than the rest,
Except perhaps for something making news;
Today we found we have a tribe of shrews!
I’d no idea that shrews came in the house,
And shrew is not to be confused with mouse.
I think they’ve moved indoors because the rain,
That’s been a feature of summer again,
Has made their homes out in the garden wet,
And our warm attic is a better bet!
Three visited our kitchen here today,
And two were caught, (humanely by the way);
Or maybe it was one who came straight back,
After I had freed it down our track.
The third one gave us quite a nasty shock;
We saw it only just before it dropped,
From overhead the kitchen surface top,
With a surprisingly athletic hop!
It almost fell into a pot of soup,
And gracefully it did the loop the loop!
But mice and shrews are not the only ones;
Of things like ants and wasps there’s simply tons!
Today I found a slow worm, just beside
The plant pots where the shrews I thought would hide.
There’s millipedes and woodlice by the score,
And rabbits in the garden even more!
We’ve birds that nest in places in the eaves,
And toads that make their homes beneath the leaves,
That build up day by day, and block the drains,
And flow into the garden when it rains.
At night we
have a badger and a fox,
And
sometimes hear as one or other knocks
A plant pot
over looking for a treat;
A mouse or
slug or other thing to eat.
Now and
then some bigger beasts come by;
Like deer that
frequently will try
To nibble
all the bark and fresh green shoots
While
horses break the fence to eat our fruit.
Spiders are another thing we have;
For reasons I don’t know they love the lav!
They do not seem to follow any path,
But always end up falling in the bath.
We live OK with all of these each day,
And somehow they do not get in our way.
But there is one that definitely does;
Something that makes a terrifying buzz!
It’s rather like a helicopter crew,
In the room and coming after you!
The hornet is the creature that I mean,
In daytime pretty easily it’s seen;
It flies in lazy circles overhead,
But in the night it walks about instead.
What you should do is get the hoover out,
And get them all sucked up into the spout.
That way the chances are that you will get,
A decent night of sleeping sound, and yet
If you have missed one anywhere at all,
You might not notice when one of them falls
Into your bed, and wanders up and down,
And takes a snooze inside your dressing gown!
But in the morning you will scream and yell,
The pain is worse than anyone can tell;
Like ten bee stings at once, I do not lie;
It happened to me last year in July!
We blocked the windows and around the door,
We taped the gaps where skirting meets the floor,
But still the hornets found their way inside
The bedroom and the bathroom to the side.
It wasn’t till the winter that we found,
(When we called a plumber to come round);
“The nest the hornets cleverly have made,
Is right inside the hot tank I’m afraid!”
“They’ve made their way in through the over-flow,
So deep inside the tank you’d never know!”
Only when they accidentally fell,
And went and drowned their rotten selves as well,
Did they reveal their secret hiding spot;
By turning up inside the tap marked hot!
© Stephen Saunders
bowleyfarm@gmail.com or 01428 741212
Agent / publisher wanted.
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