Number 107, A Whale of a Time!

                                                                                                             

A Whale of a Time!

Many, many years ago,

In a town you might not know,

Jonah went out for a walk,

When God appeared to have a talk:

He told him he was feeling sad,

As things had turned out rather bad;

Nineveh was party-crazy,

And during daytime really lazy.

Nothing good was getting done,

Businesses were poorly run,

Greedy people couldn’t care,

That poorer ones were starving there.

Many in the town just laughed;

They told each other God was daft,

And God was getting pretty cross,

After all he was the boss.

He couldn’t have them dissing him,

When once they bowed down kissing him.

He said to Jonah what I need,

Is you to go to them and plead

On my behalf, for them to see,

That if they don’t come back to me,

I will have to start to get,

Angry and they’ll soon regret,

Misbehaving like they do,

And I’m relying now on you.

Tell them if they don’t behave,

There’ll be nothing left to save;

Once I’ve finished smashing down,

Every last nightclub in town.

Then if they don’t see the light,

I’ll come back and in the night,

I’ll do the same to every street,

And pull the rugs beneath their feet.

By morning there’ll be nothing left;

Every brick I will have cleft,

Not the smallest little wall,

Will be standing there at all.

Oh my cripes, Jonah exclaimed!

Stop their fun? I’ll just be blamed,

And made a laughing stock as well,

I think I’d rather go to hell.

He didn’t say as much to God,

But slunk back homeward on his tod.

He was really sore afeared,

God spitting fury through his beard!

He thought about it for a while,

Then slipped out down the road a mile.

He took a toothbrush and clean socks,

And made his way down to the docks.

There he found a decent boat,

One he thought would stay afloat;

He paid the skipper for a ride,

And took his suitcase down inside.

He watched the shoreline disappear,

But this did little for his fear;

Deep inside he knew the Lord,

Could see him cowering on board.

In the night the wind grew strong,

And blew the little boat along,

Then thunder, lightning, rain and hail;

They found themselves in quite a gale!

The crew began to contemplate,

If they were going to meet their fate;

Perhaps a jinx had come on board,

Someone who’d disobeyed the Lord?

All next day the storm remained,

And everyone was feeling drained,

The crew decided not to wait,

And turn poor Jonah into bait!

As soon as they had chucked him in,

They saw an ominous black fin,

And in the calm after the gale,

They knew it was a killer whale!

Jonah sank beneath the waves,

And prayed to God his life he saves;

'I’m sorry that I ran away,

I’ll do anything you say'!

Well as you know God’s not so bad,

And looked on Jonah like his dad,

He told the whale to rescue him,

And hurry up, he cannot swim!

And so for him he didn’t fail,

God got him safe inside the whale;

Despite it being dark and smelly,

It was quite comfy in its belly.

The whale returned the way he’d come,

With Jonah resting in its tum;

But when it landed on the shore,

It didn’t want him any more.

The whale gave out a mighty cough,

And told poor Jonah to naff off!

But as he crawled out from its jaws,

He got bowled over by applause!

A thousand people gathered there,

All most of them could do was stare;

Jonah raised his arms and said,

Listen to me now instead.

He told them God was not amused,

That his trust they had abused,

That what they had to do from now,

Was tidy up their act somehow.

And so he got the crowd to hear,

Instill in them a bit of fear;

That if they didn’t mend their ways,

God would all of them erase.

That night the jazz bands played again,

But this time God was their refrain;

They praised him to the nightclubs’ rafters,

And promised better lives thereafter!

© Stephen Saunders