Number 102, The Picnic

The Picnic

Rufus Two Legs went and sat

Firmly on a big cow pat!

I don’t know why he thought he’d sit,

Right there on the top of it!

He might have listened to his mum,

Who told him where to put his bum,

But Rufus Two Legs thought he must,

And therefore settled on the crust;

Which he slowly sank into,

Squishing quite a bit of poo!

Of course he really didn’t care,

It turns out he was on a dare;

His sister said it would be funny,

And better still if it was runny!

Anyway, he was quite used,

To seeing mummy not amused;

He told her he’d reserved the grass,

For her to put her own fat …!

The Picnic.


One day Rufus Two Legs’ mum suggested they all went for a picnic as it was warm and sunny and they could all do with some fresh air.

‘Fresh Air’, thought Genevieve, Rufus’ bigger sister.  ‘That means a field, on a farm where they have cows, and a lot of bad smells.’

They all piled into the car, taking Dudley with them.  Dudley has four legs, and some quite interesting smells of his own sometimes. ‘Keep your feet off the seats’, said Dad, as he says every time; ‘I’m trying the keep the car clean’.

On the way, in the back of the car, (quietly, so that Mum and Dad couldn’t hear), Genevieve said to Rufus that she had a dare for him.

She didn’t say what it was which made Rufus very inquisitive. 

‘What?’ he demanded.

Genevieve knew that the more she held back the more he would want to know, and several times he asked her what the dare was. 

Just as they were turning off the road into a track that must surely lead to the field they were to picnic in, Genevieve said, ‘I dare you to sit on a cow-pat!’

‘What!’ exclaimed Rufus.

‘Shhh’, said Genevieve, don’t let on, ‘It’s hot and dry and they will all be crusty so you can easily sit on one, but it will be really funny to see Mum’s face.

Rufus got the picture right away, he didn’t need very much persuasion, and being only five it appealed to his sense of mischief perfectly!

Genevieve secretly hoped he’d find one which was still runny underneath, but then she would, wouldn’t she, since she loved to put her brother in the poo!

Mum and Dad laid out the rugs and table cloths on the grass and settled down around them to get the lunch out while Dudley ran off looking for bad smells.

Rufus announced; ‘I’m going to sit right here’, and with everyone’s attention thus towards him, plonked himself down on the top of a magnificent cow-pat.

‘No-ooooooo!’ Shouted Mum and Dad together, but it was too late.  The poo squirted out all round Rufus’ bottom, and some of it went as far the edge of the rug and some on Rufus’s wellies, but amazingly none went on Rufus himself. 

Genevieve grinned with satisfaction.

Rufus did too, but was quickly yanked up into the air by his Dad, who was very big and strong.  He was very cross and laughing at the same time.  Have you ever seen anyone be like that?  It’s really funny, and in a few moments everyone was laughing their heads off!

The crust had held, and Rufus was clean, even his shorts were almost unmarked, so they gathered up the rugs, and moved them to another part of the field where they all had a lovely lunch while Dudley found lots of other cow-pats to enjoy.

On the way back to the car at the end of the afternoon Rufus’ mum stepped in something.  Oh well!

 © Stephen Saunders